Louis in the Abyss
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Blogging in the Abyss
Cashing In Early19/03/2026 LostFirst entry and it won't be a fun read, I can assure you. If you're reading this, I'm going to assume you know my background & health issues, so I'm not going to provide a backstory. I see a lot of people in similar situations sharing positive sentiments and uplifting stories. Well, I'll keep it real with you. I feel like fucking shit. I feel low as fuck. This is one of those days where I just want to be done with this and let the cancer take me. Fuck everything and just let me die. I don't give a fuck. I don't actually mean any of that of course. It's just my head imploding. But I just feel so fucking low today and I don't even really know why. I've just really woken up on the wrong side of the bed. The funny thing is that things are, relatively speaking, going well. I decided to go private for my treatment because, disappointingly, the NHS have just dropped the ball at every turn. I give them a lot of slack, but I'm literally fucking dying and they have continually messed things up. So far, private has been a huge breath of fresh air. Even the insurance company has been largely very easy to deal with. It's all going well, and thanks to getting outside of the NHS system, I'm going to be receiving some cutting edge treatment that shows a lot of promise for people in my situation. It's not a miracle worker mind - I'm probably still going to die relatively soon - but it seems like the very best treatment option I can get right now. This is good. I also had a really lovely couple of days away with Hayley in the Peak District, although as usual I did put a bit of a downer on things by dredging up some unpleasant information I accidentally unearthed on the NHS app. Stupid brain continually scratching away at itself. So why do I feel so shit today? Well, that last part won't be helping. But other than that...I really don't know. Not having my PC is really not helping. I upgraded it but it kept BSODing, so I've sent the components off for repair. I'm typing this away on my laptop and not having my computer is showing me how badly I rely on it. It's probably not the healthiest reliance to be honest, but I have Stage 4 cancer so I don't really care. That and my wife are about the only things getting me through the days, and I'm really missing it. Bless Hayley though. She told me this morning she messaged SCAN on the sly asking if there was any way if she could pay for an expedited repair process. I had no idea she'd done this. They said no of course, but the thought really moved me. I have tears in my eyes just typing this. I was cursed with this disease, but blessed to have the most wonderful human being on Earth as my wife. Swings and roundabouts eh? I've been distant with her today because I've just been feeling so down. I keep thinking a lot about how much it's going to hurt her when I'm gone. It's a paradox; I want to spend as much time as I can with her, but it hurts so fucking bad because I know my days are numbered. I was telling my therapist earlier that I really struggle to be in the moment. Every time we are away or doing something nice, my brain reminds me of the reality. It's especially bad whenever anyone takes my picture. My brain jumps ahead to years from now when I'm gone, someone clinging to this silly moment in time via a photograph, desperately wishing they could return to that moment. That moment I'm in right now. It's absolutely fucked and I'm still figuring out my way through it because I know it's not a healthy mindset. I've almost completely fucked off all my mates because I just can't deal with it. It's not personal, I just...I don't want to explain myself a million times to people who cannot fathom how I'm feeling. I know people want to help, and I know they are there for me, but I don't care. I'm not interested, I can't deal with it. I can't deal with people not knowing what to say. I can't deal with people trying to uplift me and failing. I can't deal with people sharing their happy life updates with me and me feeling envious and angry that I'm in my shoes and not theirs. I can't deal with it. Unfortunately there's no winning with me at the moment, so my solution has just been to stop replying to people. Again, I know that's not great, but it's how I'm coping right now. I go through every day just seeing what the day brings, but typing all this out makes me realise how much fucking bullshit I'm dealing with. I know that probably sounds obvious to you, dear reader, knowing that I have what will probably be terminal cancer. How could I not be dealing with a lot? But it doesn't always feel like that. You go on autopilot for large chunks of the day, going through the motions while the teeth of my health issues take bites in intervals. But these little bites add up quite a bit, and they result in the outbursts and intense emotions I've listed above. All of this is just scratching the surface to be honest. If we're real, I'm getting by, but there's a heavy fucking burden beneath the veneer. Venting has helped a little. Thank you. Sorry to be a downer. Wondering what to do with myself. I tend to get through the days just by absolutely smashing video games, but I'm really not feeling much motivation to do that today. Maybe I should just go for another walk. Honestly it's one of those days where I just want to drink myself to death in a beer garden, but I won't be doing that of course. I know this will pass; I've had days like this before and they come and go. But they really do fucking suck. I don't feel like myself at all and I hate it. I don't know. Maybe I'll play System Shock. I wish I had my PC, but honestly even if I did, I'm not even sure if that would get me through today. It's Wii launch day on Retroachievements which I've been looking forward to, but today I'm really not arsed at all. Bleugh. I'll figure it out. Cheers for the vent. I'll try and update this now and again. Much love, dear reader. Louis |